My Three Musketeers?

I'm startled. With myself!
Alright, so far, Pilgrim is history and I'm moving on to a whole new chapter as a university student. All and all, my uni offers better boyfriend prospects and I quickly find myself smitten to a senior.
He's studying accounting, so let's call him Count.
I first met Count when I join the club he (happens to) direct as my extracurricular activity. Honestly, to my eyes, he's flawless. I try to keep him that way ... explains a lot about my not pursuing him so hard. I'm doing the courtly love at this point.
Back to topic. I just LOVE the fact that he's so gentlemanly, we had a long talk once because he's waiting on me and a friend (note: he waits on us) and he's pretty attentive! He also explains things really well, and not to mention: he's kinda cute.
Now that's a huge plus.
Downside? I don't think he remembers my name. He's more of a face guy. He remembers my face, and what a serendipity, we once met in an elevator and IT LIFTED MY MOOD SO since he remembers me:) Another downside is he shares Pilgrim's faith ... I'm still a little off on that but this guy's awesome.
At least, the idea of him is awesome. Some little birds told me that he's sorta arrogant but it doesn't really come through me so whatevs.

But what startles me isn't that whole falling for a senior thing, yet the fact that ... I also have crushes on at least 2 other guys! One is a teammate of mine during orientation, so let's call him Teammate, and another is Classmate. These two mates shares the same last name, by chance.

I had an instant attraction to Teammate, while Classmate took awhile because he's, mmm, not so tall? Well, Teammate is a great guy, also gentlemanly, pretty serious about his work, humorous, and we message each other quite a lot up until now. We also have a running gag about calling each other over when we happen to meet, which is kinda rare because we are not classmates.
Classmate is great because he's like ... the XY-chromosomed version of me, but more active. Seriously, he really gets my humor! He basically chuckles everytime I deadpan.

So what's with this new me? Why am I being polyamorous? I like the new adventurous me, but doesn't this set me further apart from the happy ending I always want? I just hope my feelings can clear up pretty soon.

Bewildered, Edge.

Blow My Mind

I still can't get over the idea of being so in love at one moment and so over it all of a sudden.
But that's exactly what happened to me and Pilgrim. And this is not the first time, though I'm pretty convinced this is his final strike.
At first I'm very okay with this, but in the end his fascination towards his religion is the one that drives us apart. Or more aptly phrased, it drives me away from him.
A tad like Tom Lefroy and Jane Austen, even though we do love each other, that thing can make us resent each other at the end of the day, so we're better off apart.
I need to post this to restrain myself not to fall into him ever again. It ain't right nor healthy for me.

I will never find out his feelings exactly because I don't see that he's at any means to display them so let's just leave it at that. I wish him all the best.

And lastly wish myself the same.

Determined to move on, Edge.

Fading?

For those of you who wonder why I haven't posted nor talked about Pilgrim for the last two monts, or probably more, here's my update.
Prepare for disappointment and dullness.
I went to a life-changing trip for three weeks. Abroad, far away from both my homeland and Pilgrimage. And man, alot has happened since then.
I experienced quite an unwordly occurence during my trip away from Pilgrim: a guy confessed to me. Wow, since I'm definitely not a girl next door, stuff like this is pretty new to me and it's weird to suddenly be labeled a heartbreaker by a bunch of foreigners. But the good thing is, it was pretty low key and this huy,15, had been nothing but super nice to me. I guess we made ourselves good friends-we definitely parted that way.
As for my feelings toward Pilgrim, it gradually cooled once I went back from my trip. Perhaps I'm a little bothered by how calmly he reacts to the love declaration 15 dropped on me. (yes, I told him) He should've been at least a little agitated, you know. But he didn't, still as reserved as ever. And at that moment I thought to myself, this would never end. I gotta end this as fast and as painless as I could.
I'm not sure if it's painless in his part, if he DOES have no feelings for me as he claimed, he sure won't bother agonizing over my giving a cold shoulder. But otherwise it'd be extremely painful for anyone, being ignored like that after previously corresponding with each other with such intensity... but frankly at this point I'm too over it to care. He grew tiresome on me. If a fifteen year old could dare to make a move after only a week of knowing each other, why wouldn't he do anything after 7 years? 5 years? 3 years? 3 months? This baffles me and leads me to conclude, he just doesn't care. All he cares about is how to make me and everyone else afraid of his idea of God.
I don't need him.
But I do feel bad because I could sense his attempts of making a convo with me. Problem is, I'm not interested and he made it very clear at a time that I need not to response to him if I don't feel like it. So I'll just let him eat his own words.
A cold-hearted b*tch, that's what I am. Never seen myself as a heartbreaker. Pretty cool and awful at the same time.
And meanwhile, I got myself a new bro after the trip. I love bros, I got two so far and these guys are pretty alike. So having a very distinct new one is awesomely refreshing. The most startling difference would be; this new bro isn't a geek. In fact, he's technologically challenged. Haha great taunting material there. Besides he lives in a different country which makes attachment the last thing for me to worry about! How great is that? I say, fuck crushes and long live platonic bros!
Although you oughtta know I'm not really sure if I can keep this new bro a bro, you know? But I have to, as a friend of mine actually confides in me that she's into my bro.
I smell trouble. But I can handle this, I swear.

As for Pilgrim, I'll let him reflect in Pilgrimage. (He went back home twice during my absence from posting, one before and one after my trip. Both attempts on making a convo ended up in utter mess. I tried during his first homecoming and simply turned away during the second. You know why.)

Since I currently have no love interest, I should be off posting for awhile, probably I'll only fill up some past gaps between Pilgrim and I but that's about it. And if my feelings for him do resurface (the odds are in favor) I'll keep you informed, alright?

Sucked out of life, Edge

One of those days

He said he's chilling
And ask me "Whatja doing?"
I answered him.
We chatted, again, as shy as always.
I was retouching photos, practicing.
He convinced me that I'm already good at it.
I said nah, I'm far from good.
I want to beautify my picts.
He said my face won't be so different.
I felt teased, and protested.
He replied that he only said it's no different.
I hoped he'd say I'm beautiful.
But he didn't.
He said if I retouched my face it'd simply be worse.
Hey, I said I was far from good, that's what the practice was for.
Then it happened again.
I started a topic, about what I'd do, and he didn't reply.
And went off so abruptly.
I was pissed.
Then an hour later, it turned out that he actually replied.
Only my provider was too slow to receive it.

Apparently my internet connection is just as lame. Gah I hate LDR.

So I texted him: MY INTERNET'S LAME!
He replied. Okay, that's fine.

THAT'S FINE? IT'S NOT. I WANT TO CHAT:'(

Edge.

Bitching

Well, Pilgrim went online about an hour ago, and of course we chatted.
He began with the usual thing, about how bored he was. He always does so:D
Then moving on, we talked about our upcoming school trips. He'll be going to Far East and I'm going to Europe.
Awkward moment: when we compared the number of days. He'll be going for 10 and I'm 21. He responded: "That's long." I responded: "It is." Then long pause. Haha. I kinda hoped that he was thinking that I won't be online for 3 weeks or stuff like that. Maybe he didn't, he's just being nice. Gahhh I don't care.
Then of course, there will always be this routine: he'll talk about his faith. It's cute really, that I happen to like a guy with such passion and determination:") However sometimes he makes me feel extremely sinful and I got defensive, that things get ugly haha. Much to my surprise, he kept it very short today, he said he didn't want to saturate my brain (I always complain he overload my brain. I know, b*tch). Then after a very short talk about my day, he went offline.
That pissed me off. WHY DID HE WENT OFFLINE RIGHT WHEN I'M ABOUT TO SPILL? HYAAA
Things like this confuse me alot. I've loved him for like what, seven years? And when I'm in contact with him it just keeps... fluctuating. I could be either very happy or very annoyed.

This afternoon he actually texted me. He always informs me about his newest revelations:/ That makes me happy, actually. That feeling that he needs you haha:)) Maybe he doesn't really have any friends there... that makes no sense haha. I'm glad that he can talk to me about things that he really is passionate about, although he rarely asks about me (perhaps that's because I'd most likely spill the beans myself?).
As long as he doesn't start with the sin thing and such.

Annoyed, Edge;)

Seven years long

D'you know how Anne Boleyn waited for seven years so that Henry VIII could finally wed her? She ended up decapitated, by his order, after only about two years of marriage.
Well, she's pretty much like me.
Nah, I'm not dead nor in a relationship, but I do have waited for my guy as long.
Seven years, most of my friends consider it as a world record or something.

This makes them wonder, how great is the guy anyway? Is he like, totally hot and all that?
Errr, no he isn't. But I really do love him, I know that for sure.
For his privacy's sake, I'd love to call him Pilgrim. Currently, he's studying abroad (totally smart enough to gain a full scholarship) and I love to refer to him being on a pilgrimage.
No, he's not studying in Jerusalem.
It's just... lately he figured out his life purpose, and it has something to do with God. That leads me to imagine him as a pilgrim in a pilgrimage. Haha.

I've been (very) interested in Pilgrim ever since I met him in 5th grade. Funny thing is, we've been in the same school ever since 1st grade, but I never really, you know, 'see' him. Then bam! He entered the room and my heart pounds, as phony as it sounds. That's the beginning of my attraction.

Lucky enough, we were reunited in 6th grade, and I realized that the attraction grew even stronger, as illogical as it was.
I mean, I've mentioned that he's totally smart. And he's taller than I am. However, he's not handsome (at least conventionally) nor popular and such. He's like this guy some people consider weird, geeky, nerdy, whatever. But, gahhh! I really, really, like him. Even the fact that he's a momma's boy NEVER turn me off.
I don't know what's wrong with me!

I have to say that 6th grade was truly a roller coaster ride. I fall in and out of love with him, because he was just too... I don't really know. He used to mess with girls by texting them, pretending to be a girl... I've told you he's weird. Lately he told me that he's very interested in psychology, so maybe it was his research (with an undoubtedly bizzare method). That really maddened me for awhile, and I ended up having a 1-month relationship with a great friend of mine, maybe out of rage.

That being said, I was still unable to get over him. We actually chose the same high school. So I had to go through another three years. I remembered back in 7th grade, the school held this huge competition in which every class were required to send their delegates. Well, he and I HAPPENED to join the very same competition, and HAPPENED to meet each other in the final round. So, there you go, awkward handshake moment. Hahaha.

Another story that I could vividly remembered, I was avoiding him the whole time, and when I was walking home from school, I saw him (his back, actually) in front of me, and I was panicking. I needed to make a quick stop on a shop, and somehow he actually had to make a quick stop on the very same shop. Another awkward moment~

Long story short, I spent my junior high school years dateless and unable to get over Pilgrim (although truth be told, we never shared the same class during this period).
Our correspondence was strictly holiday greetings. And it began after we lost contact for awhile, and he started texting me (I failed to figure out why he's very interested in pranking me) as a close friend of mine. Again, fake ID. But he got busted, I got mad, nonetheless we still text each other happy birthdays and christmases and new years.
Then along came the scholarship test. Being a good student myself, I was offered the same opportunity to get the scholarship. You know the result, though. I stayed and he went. And I thought, we're just not meant to be. Finally I could get over him.

Well, I thought wrong.
My first year without him (year 5) anywhere near was excruciating. I stalked his Facebook account and such, I can't help it. I even managed to figure out his coded phone number... nah, enough said. And everytime he would go back during school vacation to attend my school (and his almamater) festival, I literally ran away. I didn't have the gut to reconnect with him, I figured it was too late and I was on the verge of giving up, although I really could not.
My second year without him, I still was running away every school festival. Although, it didn't really affect my regular basis. I studied very hard and was preoccupied by it, since I chose a major that I was very passionate about, the major put me in the same class as these girls writing here.

And now, I reached the third year without him. After getting some revelations during a school trip, a day before my birthday, I impulsively started a chat upon seeing him online.

The next day, he started a chat with me.
So did the next day, and the next day, and the next day...

The funniest thing was when his VERY LAME internet disconnected, he texted me (note that we're not even living in the same country) with the number I've previously saved during my 1st-year-stalking:D

So yeah, our current relationship is daily correspondence through online chat and occasional text messaging. Most of them are his initiative, and often very random. Still, it amuses me to know that he cares:)

He read my blog and texted me his review. I genuinely think it's sweet.

All this butterflies in the stomach suddenly have the guts to live another day. I can't really describe to you how happy I am.
So the story continues:)

Love, Edge.